I was changing, my happiness was on the horizon! Then the darkness flooded over me like a death penalty. A death penalty that almost personally escorted me to my grave but guess who’s back! Me, I’m back I’m ready to fight and I’m stronger then ever!
Now let’s get one thing straight, I do not have some alter ego that takes over with it own name and personality, that’s not what this is. It’s rare, nameless and potentially deadly. Some times I find myself wondering outside towards the woods in the late hours of the night, or early hours of the morning but I feel different. I feel no fear, I feel so remorse, and I feel so sympathy. I’m fearless and every ounce of my body is on its way to complete its mission. All I think about is my mission, like that’s all I know. I can eventually slip out of it before the mission has time to be completed but I fear one day I won’t, and the mission will be completed. The mission of my suicide.
Recently this blog has been pretty sad so today I’m gonna share one of the happiest moments of my life, but also one of the simplest to show how you can find joy in the smallest moments.
I was around 13 and I was having one of the worst years of my life, wrist covered in dried blood and old cuts, hair damp with grease, eyes stained with ever flowing tears. Yet there I was at the grocery store with my mother. As I was checking out the the bagger was the sweetest old man, with a kind smile, and had genuinely happy aura, and this man gave me a sticker despite me no longer being a little kid. And honestly I can still say that’s one of the highlights of my year. I remember an overwhelming smile took over my face, I didnt know how to react and ended up letting out a tear. I found my happiness in an elderly man’s sticker. So don’t tell me you can’t change the world, because if a 90 year old man, working minimum wage, and long hours and light up a struggling teens face and give them happiness for years to come in a simple gesture, you can too. Also too this day I still occasionally bring stickers places and give them out.
I don’t know if I regret my entire life or not. Also I told my parents I was suicidal again today and there gonna talk to my doctor about tweaking my meds like that’s gonna fix me. Oh well.
My soul is heavy and tired, My urge to take the pills under the couch increases daily, i think I’m ready to die. The only thing holding me back is the what if. What if my attempt fails?
I’m writing this shaking, crying my eyes out because it’s gone too far. I’ve turned from depressed to having a mental break down in the middle of laughs. It hurts so badly. My soul feels like a broken mirror, the sharp chards reflecting pain, while cutting into me. I stopped cutting about a year ago but damn I still think about that razor. I still think of the noose I tied in my crying parents hands.
The past never leaves you. People say it gets better and it does for a bit, but what comes around goes around. I can never escape my own personal world of pain. I keep putting off my death because I have hope, but sometimes giving up it better. Still I continue to shake and cry, seeing the lights of hope fade because I will hold on. I may only be holding on by the weakest thread yet I’ll hold on, I’ll make it until I can die peacefully knowing I did my very best. This may be getting hit by a bus, suicide, or old age. But I will hold on until I’m grasping at hope that’s not there.
I’m desperate. I feel so lost in this world, I feel sadness constantly, and most of all I desire love and comfort. Clique I know, but over these past few days I’ve just felt like a sad dry love sponge that’s just looking for comfort. Not the best metaphor I know, but I just really need a hug right now. I just need someone to hold me and tell me it’s ok.